3 years.

Dear soulmate aka sexylove,

Some three years ago, you braved telling me you like me. And then everything turned around after. It’s rather funny than romantic how we started. You asked me gazillions of hypothetical questions and then asked me what if it was me. Then you asked, “we’re still cool, right?”. Smooth. But in all fairness to you, you made it up to me everyday thereafter.

Babe, like always, I want to say thank you; for the best three years of my life so far. Thank for teaching me how to be grateful for everything; to see the light however gloomy it may be sometimes. For teaching me how to hold on and hope. You made me a better person. You taught me to dream big and walked me through every step of the way of achieving it.

I love you in all ways possible for one person to love another. I love everything about you; the good and the bad. I love how you love me. And this is how it will be for all the days of our lives. I love you so damn much and I can’t wait for forever to share with you.

Happy third anniversary, sweetheart! ♥

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Starting Over Again.

So out of the blue I decided I want to start writing again. Because I’m bored but tired. Can you imagine?

Anyway, I quit my job last March after four years of slaving myself in the Emergency Room. I felt the time was right to move on and further my career elsewhere. But if anything, I will forever be indebted to the people who trained me to become the nurse that I am now.

RNH was my first overseas (and most serious) nursing job. Back home, we don’t give as much fuck about chest pain like how we do it there. We don’t have electronic version of everything, we do old school  style where Mercury is still a fad. And documentation is not a biggie. Life was easy. Then I went abroad. To say that I made major, major adjustment is the understatement of the century. I felt like I had to relearn everything from scratch, and I need to learn them fast. So I did, or so I’d like to believe I did. Then a year later, I became a charge nurse. How I became errr, responsible for one whole unit when I can’t even make sound decisions for my own life, I don’t know. But I lasted 4 years faking that brave face whenever I step in the battlefield. Charge nursing made me more prayerful. I always had that prayer on my way to work, asking for guidance for safe practice and that nobody dies in my shift from malpractice, and that’s for the rest of the team.

Clinically, I was able to hone my senses. Eyes, ears,nose, touch, reasoning and whathaveyou. I  learned how to make diagnosis and prognosis right that moment they walk in. My across the room assessment becomes so accurate, it’s clairvoyant. I learned how to trust my gut about patients bullshitting and those overly stoic even when they’re about to die; eventually saving limbs and lives.

From living alone, I learned how to be my own maid. And I realized I am one messy, annoying and bitch of a boss. Nuff said.

I learned how to appreciate my family more. I get to see them only once a year, so I fought with my sister less, I spoiIed my teenage brother, said I love you to my parents more often and I steered clear from brewing storms as much as I can. You realize what they’re worth, when they’re far and that you can not substitute their love for anything else in the world.

So I grew up. But I need to grow more. I still need to find my place under the sun.

 

 

 

 

2013.

Happy 2013! 🙂 

January almost has ended, and I just NEED to make at least one post per month so I cram.And since I don’t have any good story to tell, I might as well do what I’ve always done; wrap-up my year in one post. Great things happened last year. 

1.On top of the list would have to be our anniversary. Much of the credit goes to my lover for being ever so patient and understanding and loving and the list goes on. I have the best lover in the world. Teehee. I can’t imagine being with anyone else because like what they say, I’ve found my heaven on earth. I’ve found the one person I will piss off of the rest of my life. 

2. I  learned how to cook. And I mean serious cooking; not just fry-and-boil kind of cooking.Not so long ago, I was a kitchen airhead. But that wasn’t until some circumstances forced me to teach myself how to cook via youtube. And because I have so much a “beginner’s luck” , everything I cooked came out right, right the first time. And it helps a lot that my number one fan gobbles up everything served without commenting my lack of salt or whatever, because I am an overly sensitive bitch. 

There’s no more number 3. Or make that, I learned A LOT about life because I’m in this quarter-life crisis shit. More often that not, life doesn’t go as planned. There are detours and blockades or sometimes dead ends. Disappointments happen because pain is so much a healthy stimulus as joy, and we need them to stay and to feel alive. What I learned through the years is how to play the cards that I’m dealt and work with what I have as best as I can. I’ve had more than my fair share of failures and stupid decisions that I can’t take back. But just like that Ms. Universe answer, no, I won’t change one bit because it made me who I am now, and I learned never to make the same mistakes again. 

So welcome 2013 and be good to me. 

 

 

 

Death and Dying and Dave. And Spongebob.

The nature of my job requires me to look at death straight in the eye with the same cold, emotionless face it stares back at me. People come and go and sometimes they sneak, so to speak. And in the yet, still very limited experience I have had working, some people has tried to drill it in my head that when people has maxed-out their visa on earth, they’d have to leave, something has got to make them leave. Seems legit, but no, I refuse to believe so. Like in most medical dramas, I’d always want to give it a damn hard fight.

I was so profoundly moved by this blog that it made me write again after many months of hibernation.

They say that the soul knows when they are about to go. So what if the sands has already started to dissipate? Have you seriously ever thought about death and dying coming to you? Have you gone halfway through your bucket list, or have you even written one?

What moved me about Dave was how much gratitude he had despite his condition, how unquestioning and forgiving he was, how he could find something to lol about anything, and how he advocates for finding happiness. Indeed, it’s true what he said to his sister. Happiness; you find it in yourself.

Let me just share a story. My partner has Restless Leg Syndrome. Every time the “restlessness” attacks,it would always be so bad that it disrupts both our sleep. We discovered by research and experience that massages help. And since it attacks during our supposed restful sleep, it would always have to be me to do massages. But its not everyday that I have the energy. And it even reached a point when it affected “us” . Ironically, I was giving the lover some massages when I read through Dave’s last blog entry. And if anything, it made me grateful that despite RLS, my partner still have legs to complain about and for me to massage happily more than ever, from now on.

It’s ironic how I found lesson on happiness from death. Truly, it will always, always boil down to how we see things. We decided if life is a blessing or a bane.

If a microphone suddenly drops from the sky, SING! – Spongebob. 

Day 20.

If there’s one love in the world that I’d go back to again and again without regret, that would have to be writing,

After a year of abandonment, today is Day 20. A song that you listen to when you’re angry

For some reasons, replay button gets abused when I am in deep-shit anger. Somehow, we all need this one thing that pulls us back to right reasoning and thinking when the line if sanity gets far too hazy.

 

 

June.

There are days that feel harder to live through than all of the rest of your hard days combined. Those are the times when you feel like the whole universe converged and ganged-up on you.There are days when you feel like everything you’ve worked hard for all your life decides to throw themselves into shambles.There are times when you feel like all of the things, all of the people you value the most and you ever so hardly tried to keep in your life loses their attachment on you for some reasons like a scotch tape that has suddenly lost that sticky thing.

And then there are days that you fight for them. There are days when you refuse to succumb to fate. You trash, you yell back, you raise our middle finger back at life.

But it is not a daily-basis kind of thing. People get burned-out. Sometimes, our souls ask for the taking care-of that we give. Sometimes we have to feed our own need,

Perk me up, Jason Mraz.

Since the time you posted this, I’ve always believed this song is for me. I never closed the tab where youtube has had this song playing and the replay button has been abused beyond explanation. I never told you how I bawled over this song the first time I heard it because that would make me shamelessly emotional. This is a confession. 😀

What you thought you knew; that I didn’t believe you, is not true. I held on. 6 months is monumental. Not because it was too much of hard work, but because you made me into a different person in that short span, and that is in the most  positive sense. One day, if not now, I hope you’d understand that I AM more than happy being with you. Present progressive tense. I never stopped being happy even if we fight on daily basis, even when i cry because the fear of losing you becomes overbearing everytime we do, even if sometimes i don’t understand what I feel anymore. You have a way of mixing me up inside, scattering me to pieces and sweeping me off the ground in one single go. Never lose that place. Please, never leave. I love you.